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Published:April 9th, 2009 08:55 EST
Pirates Attack! Jack Sparrow Conspicuously Absent...

Pirates Attack! Jack Sparrow Conspicuously Absent...

By R.J. Smith

Earlier today, pirates attacked and hijacked a ship from the Dutch Shipping Company, which was flying the American flag, off the coast of Somalia.  If this was the 1800`s, you would just shake your head and damn the poor souls on board.  However, in this age of internet, American Idol, and fresh morning cappuccinos just a hop, skip and a jump away, this is front page news.

20 American crew were taken along with the ship.  The cargo has yet to be specified.  The only thing we can be sure of is that it wasn`t chests of gold dubloons.  It is not, however, out of the question that a treasure map will not show up sometime in the future with the whereabouts of said cargo.  Especially since the crew was American and well... Marines don`t like it when Americans are hijacked.

While I hope and pray for the safe return of my fellow countrymen who were taken by these scoundrels, I do have to say they are the luckiest guys this week.  I mean, how many of us get to tell the tale of adventure that comes with being taken by pirates?  Other than, of course, the cast and crew of the latest Wolverine movie to be leaked to the internet weeks before its release date.

Take heart, ye landlubbers.  Odds are in their favor on this one.  A ship was hijacked in the same region in early February and its crew was returned unmolested six weeks afterwards.  This area of the world has actually become known for such attacks.  As of press time, it was unclear whether President Obama planned to secure a crew, man the sails, and run those foul criminals aground!

For the rest of us, it is back to the Internet, American Idol, and fresh morning cappuccinos just a hop skip and a jump away.  Until next time, dear readers, steer clear of the African shipping lanes.