September 20th, 2006 04:20 EST
And you think you have it bad.
With the school year in full swing the honeymoon period among roommates is over, never again will you recover the first few days of all night partying coupled with quotable drunk banter and a dash of hook up on the side. Those little roommate quirks that were no big deal " suddenly induce the necessity of drinking. The once shared party central " 10`x14` space that serves as bedroom, living room, and kitchen isn`t obnoxious because it`s small and dirty " it`s obnoxious because of its occupants. Alas, it could be worse " a la celebrity roommates.
Roommate: Baby Suri " Sure she`s got famous folks and is celebrity royalty, but this girl is paparazzi dynamite. Imagine coming home at 3 a.m., clothes disheveled (oh la la), those sexy " half-closed lush eyes, and having the picture in the tabs read Suri`s bad influence. " That`ll make mom and dad proud. With the paparazzi (and the "rents) in mind " can`t bring anybody home. Ever. Talk about a roommate downer.
Roommate: Flava Flav " Nobody can understand him. In fact, nobody`s quite sure he`s even speaking English. While the room might be full of hotties and champagne, it`ll also be a 24 hour cat fight and porn star galore. Beware: he`ll probably call the top bunk. No worries, the late night ticking of Flav`s clock will hopefully provide a much needed distraction from the bed bumping activities going on above. Bunk beds are awesome.
Roommate: Naomi Campbell " Hang on to cell phones or at least learn to duck. No, Miss Campbell isn`t throwing phones because she has no service or dropped a call, it`s because she hates the world (roommate included - have fun with this one). Holding anger management meetings in small living spaces can cause a damper on having a successful social life. Something to keep in mind: hiring personal body guards. Just a thought.
Roommate: Carrot Top " Ew. There`s no bigger turn off -- and the hair is just the beginning. It`s one thing to live with a comedian " it`s another thing to live with a comedian who isn`t funny. This red- headed roomie is the guy at the party trying so hard to get laid, it causes people to leave the festivities early because it`s just too painful to watch (crash and burn, baby). The only ladies he`ll be bringing home are the beasts of the university - awkward.
Roommate: Ron Jeremy " Watching porn " okay. Homemade porn "whatever floats the boat. Watching Ron Jeremy make sweet sweet love to a trashy piece of ass while sleeping in the next bed "STD. Get whatever shots are necessary and constantly wash the sheets - it`s no secret he uses both beds as props while everybody else is in class.
Roommate: Rev. Eric Camden " His 7th heaven over the top moral abiding speeches and no tolerance for drugs and alcohol are sounding pretty appealing right now--but let`s remember there is a reason the show was cancelled. As a roommate he might provide the opportunity to hook up (aka hand holding!) with one of his seven children "those kids get around. But there`s a good chance that this man (and his family) will drive you to drink after one abstinence talk too many. Nobody wants to end up a virgin and in AA.