Contact theSOPAbout theSOPSupport theSOPWritersEditorsManaging Editors
theSOP logo
Published:August 20th, 2008 23:46 EST
Jessica Simpson Could be the World's Healthiest Drunk

Jessica Simpson Could be the World's Healthiest Drunk

By Robert Paul Reyes

"Jessica Simpson is in the beer business.

The singer-actress is the new face of Stampede Light Plus beer, a low-carb, low-calorie brew from the Dallas-based Stampede Brewing Company.

According to its label, Stampede Light Plus beer is chock full of B-vitamins and has only 115 calories per beverage."

Quotation from NYDailyNews.Com/Korin Miller

Simpson has the perfect, um, physical attributes to be an effective shill for a beer company, but the girly Stampede beer will have very little appeal for men. Make no mistake, it`s men who are the biggest fans of beer.

A real man won`t glance at the label of a beer to determine how many carbs and calories he will be consuming. And he sure as hell won`t care if his beer is chock full of vitamins.

Beer spiked with vitamins? What`s next, cigarettes sprinkled with vitamins?

"Fresh Light Menthol Healthy Plus Cigarettes, for health conscious consumers!"

The label of Stampede Light Plus beer will only attract any attention from the typical dude if it has an image of Jessica Simpson clad in Daisy Dukes.

This beer is a dud, its name is too darn long. Can you imagine a guy after he`s guzzled a few beers trying to order one more:

"Bartender! Listen pal, gimme another Stampeder Plus Light beer! Dang, or is it a Light Plus Stampede Swill? Oh just gimme that beer with the picture of that hot Jessica chick on the label.

Jessica Simpson, girlfriend of the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, has been a bad luck charm for the Cowboys. The Stampede Brewing Company would have been well-advised to select a celebrity endorser who isn`t cursed.