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Will Says...


Robert Paul Reyes

Dude Wins Lamborghini And Crashes It Six Hours Later - A "Joe Schmo" doesn't have the money to maintain a luxury car, Dopp should never have got behind the wheel. Any person with a modicum of commonsense would have immediately sold the $300,00 vehicle.

Outrage: Girls Scouts Allow 'Transgender' Boy, 7, To Join Girl Scouts Troop - The boy's mother, Felicia Archuleta, is trying to score political points at the expense of her son's psychological well being.

Outrage: Rep. Sensenbrenner Mocks Michelle Obama's Huge Butt! - Michelle Obama depending on your perspective is either blessed or cursed with a huge butt, you can easily place a table for four on her rear end.

Annie Lennox Disses Lady Gaga, Praises Adele - Adele's songs are thoughtful and nuanced; Gaga's ditties are as nuanced as a loud fart in a worship service.

Jon Bon Jovi Dead? Twitter Rumor Refuses To Die! - Holding up a sign reading "Heaven looks like New Jersey" isn't the best way to dispel the rumor that Bon Jovi isn't dead, folks will naturally conclude that he is dead and in hell.

Looney Lady Loads Lots Of Presents In Wrong Car - Gipson should don a Santa's hat or a dunce's cap, and spend the rest of the holiday season trying to kick herself in the rear end.

Santa Claus Is A Fraud! Viva Pancho Claus! Feliz Navidad! Merry Christmas! - I like Richard Reyes' version of Pancho Claus, and not just because he has the same surname as yours truly. Reyes' version wears a bright red zoot suit, and he travels with a fleet of lowrider cars.

Hugh Hefner Tells Whopper: Lindsay Lohan Issue Of Playboy Big Hit! Yeah, Right! - We have already seen dozens of pics of Lohan's goodies online, why the hell would we buy a magazine featuring Lohan in very demure poses?

Rep. Barney Frank Wears Skin-Tight Shirt! C-SPAN Viewers Traumatized! - I hope that the hundred or so folks watching Frank on C-SPAN will receive psychological therapy at taxpayers expense.

Woman: My Date Ditched Me By Stealing My Car! - The woman called the guy when he failed to return after a few minutes, and he told her "I stole your car" and hung up.

It's OK In New York For Pet Lovers To Have Their Ashes Buried In Pet Cemeteries - Sometimes I dream of moving to a deserted island where I will be free from the base desires and ill-temper of my fellow human beings. But I'm not a millionaire, and I am doomed to live with my own species.

Monster, Jerome Isaac, Who Set Old Woman On Fire Faces Murder & Arson Charges - We have become desensitized to violence on TV and in real life, it's a promising sign that good people are expressing their horror at this crime in primal terms.

Anonymous Donor Drops Diamonds In Salvation Army Kettle - Remember Christmas is about giving nor receiving, do what you can to help the poor and unemployed this holiday season.

Everybody Tebowing Like Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow! - The efficacy of tebowing is beyond dispute, Tebow has had one thrilling comeback win after another. I bet there are gazillions of people who tebow in hopes of passing a test or scoring with the hot chick who just moved in next door.

Video: Happy Happy! Joy Joy! Copper Thief Falls From Roof, Breaks His Legs! - Who says this cynical columnist never writes a story with a happy ending? Merry Christmas to all my readers!

Former Playboy Model Wins Seat In Russian Parliament - With Maria on Putin's team, Russians may overlook his fascist tendencies, in the same way that Americans may overlook Ron Paul's kooky tendencies if he selected Angelina Jolie as his running mate.

Rep. Loretta Sanchez's Holiday Card Features Gretzky Her Beloved Late Cat - As long as Rep. Sanchez continues to respect people and animals, she will enjoy a long career in Congress.

Obamas Christmas Card: No Baby Jesus, Santa, Xmas Tree or Bo The Dog - It would make more sense to label this a "Holiday" card, there is no Christmas tree or yuletide decorations in the backyard.

Insanity At A Toys R Us Store: Dude Attacks Shoppers With Light Saber - It's fortunate that this crazy dude wandered into a Toys R Us instead of an ACE hardware store, a metal axe is a lot more lethal than a plastic light saber.

Video: Adorable Baby Seal Breaks Into Woman's Home, Takes Nap On Sofa - You don't need to be an expert on seals to discern that a seal who decides to take a nap on your sofa is "very unique." No (expletive delete), it's unique.


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