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Published:January 27th, 2010 10:00 EST
Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park isn`t on Today

By Andy Wright

I don`t know what to do today, Jurassic Park isn`t on.  I could start with a milk and cereal bar because I don`t deserve liquid milk or any more than a spoonful of vitamin D.  I was hoping for a day without self loathing; maybe a day of accomplishment or carbo-loading for the upcoming work out that will never come.  I don`t need to work out today, I worked out yesterday. 

Jurassic Park

No I didn`t.  That`s a lie.  But today wasn`t supposed to be like this, it was meant to be better.  Fate was not to turn like this.  The weather was grayer than usual but not because of the season (I live in Michigan where winter lasts from the first Tuesday of November till the end of fall).  It was gray because I blacked out my windows with construction paper the night before but it started to faded dude to the condensation on the window - it actually seems to be quite a sunny day.  Now that I think about it I kind of want to be outside and I wasted like $7 worth of construction paper.  But I won`t, because this is my only day off this week and Jurassic Park isn`t on today. 

In fact, it`s on tomorrow - I have to work tomorrow.  Jurassic Park is not on today.  It`s not on.  Jurassic Park.  Not on.  I hope you now grasp the magnitude of this and understand why I cry.  Jurassic - dinosaurs.  Park - smiles and laughter.  None of it happening today.  All of it happening tomorrow for someone else - probably a kid with real challenges in life; as though he`s not getting enough attention already.  This is not the first time this has happened.  It actually happened six times last week.  And four times the week before that.

Jurassic Park isn`t on today.  As I stare at my pants thinking that if I don`t put them on that maybe time will stop passing, I start to contemplate my alternatives.  Sure I could watch one of the sequels or a lower budget dinosaur movie such as the Carnosaur series or I could just watch it on DVD, but it`s just not the same.  The sequels aren`t good, Carnosaur is an awful idea in synopsis, and when watching a DVD during the day you just feel like you`re missing out on things happening in real time and if something`s on TV and you`re not giving it ratings how will it ever make it?

Jurassic Park isn`t on today and I`m all but going back to bed as I have given up on the day.  I normally look to my old friends to get me through a day like today; friends like Gary Oldman, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Liev Schreiber, but this is my problem, I don`t want to make it theirs.  I need to remain hopeful.  Maybe there`s a holiday coming up and soon it will be on basic cable but there are only so many winter holidays that are recognized by networks warranting blockbuster movies instead of sitcom reruns and I`m pretty sure I used up two of those holidays this past month.  I`m an adult, I should understand and anticipate calendar months a little better.

Jurassic Park wasn`t on today; oh for it to be 1993 again and to know then what I know right now.  Maybe if I wasn`t too young to get in by myself and saw it more in theaters, it would be ruined for me by smaller screens and lack of surround sound.  Maybe if I took more proactive steps to fund cloning and DNA research.  Maybe if I turned on more TVs in the house when it was on.  Maybe then the movie would be aired on a daily basis or maybe there would be a dinosaur themed talk show or reality series where people would do dinosaur related challenges.

At the very least maybe they would have released something special for it`s 10th anniversary like a special edition or director`s cut (one where Timmy dies, Alan and Lex form a forbidden relationship after he gropes her in the ventilation system, and Muldoon gets his vengeance while being faceless).  All my heart is saying with blood, tears, some bleach in the digestive tract, and more than an expected amount of semen is that a spin off television series or an open ended James Bond-like franchise is not a lot to ask for.  Yes it is.  But still, everyone would get what they wanted - movie makers get the money, and the public gets to fulfill its perpetual want to live out another childhood fantasy of seeing dinosaurs do things in man`s time.  Who doesn`t want to see a tamed dinosaur feeding off table scraps or watching TV because it thinks it`s people? 

It wouldn`t have to last forever just long enough to have a cool box set that`s re-released every three years with collectors items and because they were genetically engineered to grow faster, the last movie, or chapter ", could just be all the dinosaurs evolving into birds at the very end when they have the humans (lead by, at that point, the very mature and two-time Oscar nominated actor Jonathan Lipnicki) surrounded in the same visitor center that William H. Macy`s character died in five years before trying to get his wife back, again, only this time she wasn`t lost to divorce but to vengeful raptors who kidnapped her due to their instinctual malicious intent and want to cause havoc to organized civilization.  Of course, in those five years there should be another movie, to break up the continuity in order to throw fans off any predictable track and to finally tell the story of the super dinosaur that grew out of a mud cast, a Barbasol can, and a mixture of hijacked dinosaur DNA.  Your move production studio.

Jurassic Park, come on tomorrow, so I can stop this madness.  All I ask is for your comforting imaginative ride and most realistic looking dinosaurs to date.  You have ruined zoos and most other aspects of real life for me, so please return to relieve the pain if but only for a couple of Nicolas Cage-less hours.