January 29th, 2009 16:46 EST
Obama's Back Channel Message to Ahmadinejad
President Obama rocked all of Washington and the world with his latest overture to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
As reported, in part, by Presstv (Reference 1):
"It is important for us to be willing to talk to Iran, to express very clearly where our differences are, but (also) where there are potential avenues for progress," said President Obama in his first interview with an Arab television since taking office."
Obama`s public statements were expanded on via a private memo.
Although that memo is a highly classified, top secret state document, unnamed sources leaked it to this reporter with the understanding that its contents not be divulged until March 1, 2009.
Thus, in keeping with the high standards for journalistic integrity established by the New York Times, the memo is reproduced in its entirety, below:
TOP SECRET CONFIDENTIAL: UNAUTHORIZED LEAKING NOT AUTHORIZED
From the Office of President Barack Obama
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
In the name of Allah and all that is love and goodness, I bring forth greetings and salutations from the great Satan of the west, America the evil.
Forgiveness is sought for the English language in this correspondence. I have ordered my staff to make Arabic the official White House language, but sometimes change comes too slowly to those who believe in fair tales like the Holocaust, Jesus Christ, and the superiority of western culture and values.
It takes time, Mahmoud, but we have a righteous wind at our backs and according to my Vice President, "We are off and running, but it will get worse."
With Joe Biden free to roam about, one can almost guarantee that things will get worse.
But, back to my main reason for writing.
To demonstrate the importance of Iran to my administration, you are the first world leader that I have contacted.
Mainstream media outlets may report otherwise, but understand that fawns in the American media publish exactly what I order them to, irrespective of the facts.
Trust me, my esteemed partner, you dudes in Iran are Numero Uno (that is Mexican, the second official language in the White House) in my black heart and mind.
Which is why I am prepared to make the following generous offer in the name of Allah so that the United States and the Islamic Republic of Iran may live in peace and harmony forever, or until Mahdi, your twelfth imam, emerges from a well and takes over the world for Islam.
America is not opposed to your great nation having nuclear weapons, Mahmoud. Our only concern is that those nukes do not interrupt the supply of oil, or cause a spike in gasoline prices, especially right before the 2010 elections and again in 2012 when, Allah willing, I will run for reelection as president of what is left of the United States.
By the way, you may have heard that I took the Oath of Office a second time, without media witnesses. What you probably did not know is that the second swearing-in was with my left hand on the Koran!
Praise be to Allah!
Back to the nukes: Just point them buggers at China and Russia and there will no complaints from D.C., although Zionists in Israel may lose sleep--but who cares?
Agree to the conditions identified above, and we will reciprocate as follows:
1. Rush Limbaugh, America`s minister of hate propaganda and holdover from the evil Bush theocracy, will be arrested and deported to Iran for reprogramming through water boarding or public stoning, whichever is in the best interests of advancing Sharia throughout the infidel world.
2. Brothers released from Gutanamao Bay will be shipped directly to sleeper cells in Detroit and San Francisco where they will be trained to blow up the Pentagon and the White House, Allah willing.
Fret not for this soldier in the Religion of Peace, because when the attacks are launched, Michelle and I shall be resting at Camp Mahmoud (Camp David was renamed at 2 AM, January 21, between balls) where we will be safe from those sleeper cell bozos.
3. Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C., headquarters to 534 of the most corrupt, stupid, and unclean creeps in America will be renamed "Infidel Alley" to reflect the shame and sin so common here.
Note: There is only one fellow on Infidel Alley, a Muslim chap named Keith Ellison, who loves peace and truth.
There it is, Mahmoud. A fair and decent offer based on our shared objective: Eradication of old school notions like Democracy and freedom, to be replaced by the joy and light found only in Sharia law.
Trusting that you will respond in the affirmative, I remain your brother in Jihad and Twitter.