February 9th, 2011 12:44 EST
Hottie Bristol Palin To Write Memoir? Read Excerpt Here Now! (Satire)
"Bristol Palin, the 20-year-old daughter of the former Alaska governor and current Fox News commentator Sarah Palin is writing a memoir for publication later this year. The younger Palin is best known for her appearances on "Dancing With the Stars" and for having a child at age 18 with on-again, off-again beau Levi Johnston. "
Bristol may or may not be writing her memoir at the tender age of 20, there have been conflicting reports in the media. But assuming that Bristol is writing her autobiography, and assuming she doesn`t hire a ghostwriter, I will save you the twenty bucks it will set you back to purchase a copy of her weighty tome.
I`ve swallowed a cup of Draino, and I am now ready to channel Bristol Palin:
It`s like I was born in Wasilla, and it`s like there`s nothing to do but shoot wolves from Mom`s helicopter, and pal around with rednecks. Anywayz, one Sunday after church, Levi and I were watching TV and it`s like I said "Levi what do you want to do?" and it`s like he said "What do you want to do?" And so I tooked off my abstinence ring, and I said Levi "let`s knock boots". Anywayz, nine months later I have a baby.
Then this old gnarly dude, I think he`s name is John McFain asked mom to be his vice presidential running mate. I thought it would be a drag, but then these dudes in suits gave my mom and I all kind of cool clothes, I mean like for free, you know what I`m talking about? I even got some jewelery, like Levi never even gave me a charm bracelet. Levi is a hunk, but he`s a freakin` redneck, and like he may give me a colorful fishing lure, but no bracelet, or earrings, or nothing.
The old creepy dude and my mom lost, and it`s like yeah, of course dude. Mom is so cheesy and lame, like who is going to vote for somebody who says stuff, like I`m a pit bull with lipstick, like for real.
Anywayz my mom doesn`t care that she lost, we love being famous, being on TV. I dumped Levi, it`s not good for my career as a celeb to have a redneck boyfriend who can`t speak no gooder English. You know?
It`s like I was on Dancing with the Stars, and I woulda and shoulda won, if it weren`t for all the haters who hate me cause of my doofus mom. God I hope my mom stops saying lame stuff like Mamma Grizzlies. I should have unfriended Mom from Facebook, maybe I would have won.
I`m going to run for political office, not sure if i want to be mayor of Hollywood or president. Anyway i better prepare if I want to run for president, there`s like a gazillion thinks i need to do like lose weight, get a makeover, buy designer clothes, and oh well not sure what else.
Anyways thanks for reading my book, I will write another biography about myself in a couple of years. Maybe I`ll put some stuff about my baby in my next book, but write now he is getting on my nerves, he`s a crap machine with no off button, you know?
Follow Robert Paul Reyes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/robertpaulreyes