May 20th, 2011 09:28 EST
Post-Rapture Pets Get Left Behind: One Man Makes Out Like a Thief in The Night
What is a devoted Christian to do? Here, the Rapture may be only one day away and many Christians have yet to make survival arrangements for their little Fido or Kitty. As everyone knows, pets can`t partake in the Rapture-- actually, I was unaware of this fact --so Christians, who are booked on the Paradise shuttle on May 21st, must find adoptive homes for their furry friends quickly.
But there`s good news for you rapturous Christians. There is no need to panic because guess who is coming to your rescue? Are you sitting down? It`s the Atheists--yes, the ones who are slated for eternal damnation for not believing in what you believe can save your pets. Yes, the same people, who you deem responsible for unraveling the moral fabric of our world, are going to be the ones to tend to your beloved four-legged creatures and feathered friends when you are beamed up to heaven.
Of course, this worldwide rescue comes at a price, but what do you expect? For centuries, you have blamed Atheists for everything from the Bubonic Plague to killer tornadoes to West Nile Virus to the popularity of pineapple on pizza. So, you can`t expect Atheists to want to save your pets for free.
As an outsider to both ends of this religious spectrum, I want to give kudos to the Atheists. They could really slam it to the Christians and charge and exorbitant fee for post-rapture pet rescue. But they are being rather magnanimous--Christian if you will -- and charging a fair price for the pet retrieval and adoption service. This is how it breaks down:
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets will charge pet owners $135 for one pet in a household. Each additional pet requires an additional $20 fee. The company is now in 26 states and will retrieve dogs, cats, birds, rabbits and small caged mammals. For the fortunate rapturerers who live in New Hampshire Vermont, Idaho and Montana, Atheist rescuers are available to care for your horses, camels, llamas and donkeys.
And please don`t worry that your pet will be in the hands of some nefarious and scary monster. The pet rescuers are screened for a criminal background. In fact, if it wasn`t for the no-believe-in-God thing, you would love these people; you would probably welcome them into your homes. You might even let them marry your daughters. So,isn`t it better they are non-believers? If they believed, they couldn`t offer this grand service.
Okay, it`s time for all of you on the Road to the Rapture to check out the link below and make arrangements for your pets. It`s hard to say if you will be playing with the Angels or not this weekend or in the near future, but no matter what, your four-legged friends will be enjoying their earth-bound existence. Thank God for Atheists!