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Published:September 18th, 2014 20:50 EST

Bigfoot Found Near Moscow? Putin Will Hunt It Down, and Skin it Alive!

By Robert Paul Reyes

"Researchers allege a bark sample collected near Moscow is evidence of Almas, the Russian version of Bigfoot, living near the capital city.

Andrei Stroganov, a biophysical technologist at Moscow`s Agricultural Academy, said he collected a fragment of tree bark near the city that bears the signs of having been marked by a large primate, and he fingered an Almas as the culprit."





If Bigfoot is living near Moscow, President Putin will mount his horse bare-chested, hunt down the huge creature, decapitate it and take a selfie with the severed head. Putin will skin him alive, and ship the remains as jerky to feed the pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine.


If Bigfoot is captured in the United States, President Obama will declare him an endangered species, an oppressed minority, and invite him to stay in the Lincoln bedroom. Obama will commission Kanye West to write a rap song praising his virtues, and he will attempt to persuade his eldest daughter to invite him to the prom as a celebration of diversity and inclusiveness.


Joe Biden would teach him tricks like how to put his foot in his mouth, and Michelle would get on the creature`s case for his protein-rich diet.


After a couple of day of tolerating this tomfoolery Bigfoot would take a dump in the Oval Office, and run away to the woods.


Moral of this story: Can we exchange Obama for Putin?

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